By: Dr. Mari Dias, EdD, FT, contributing writer
I am finally home again after a week miles, meetings, and moments. For a bit I thought I was struggling with whiplash, as every time I turned around there was another commitment. The whiplash came from the fact that each presentation was different: All the same theme- Grief- but varying perspectives and audiences.
First came my author’s talk at the North Kingstown Library. This workshop focused on my newest book, “A Memory of Elephants” as a tool for adults to read to children. The cadence and ambiguity of the text allows children to “write’ their own story. It calms their nervous system and provides an opportunity to find their words. I am always touched by those who attend any one of my author talks, as I believe whoever needs to hear my words will attend. Of course this is Rhode Island, (with 1 degree of separation!) so that several of my attendees knew generations of my family, some born and raised in Itri, Italy. Those conversations proved to be heartfelt moments, bringing my family into the present.
Next on the docket was a professional development workshop for Pre-K- Grade 5 elementary teachers for the town of Burrillville’s School Department. This workshop focused on how grief and trauma show up in the classroom. I consider teachers “first responders” as they are privy to the day- to- day behaviors of their students. Yes, they can refer the student to the social worker or school psychologist, but before that referral they have an opportunity to provide effective interventions that can disrupt and oftentimes ameliorate the behavior. Excessive requests to use the restroom, frequent visits to the nurse, emotional dysregulation, inability to concentrate, and many more. (If you are from another school department and would like to include this workshop as a professional development CEU opportunity, please reach out!).
Before boarding a plane to Charlotte, North Carolina, I attended the wake of a remarkably close family friend. Despite the welcome opportunity to reconnect with friends from years ago (which include many, many heartfelt moments) the wake was scheduled one month after his death. This proved to be extremely complicated as in the world of grief, waiting that long can be layered and messy- and oftentimes detrimental to the grievers.
Finally, I boarded a plane to Charlotte, North Carolina to present at the National Funeral Directors Association. Held at the Charlotte Convention Center, over 6,000 funeral directors attended a 4-day conference with hundreds of workshops from which to choose.
I arrived early to find my presentation room. When I turned the corner, I met a 6 ft picture of me, framed in plexiglass. Above my head read “The Aftercare Advantage,” as well as my name and the time of the workshop. If that wasn’t enough, I peeked into the room to see a stage and a screen, which was half the size of a cinema screen! I was floored. All my life I wanted to be in the funeral business (see The Mortician’s Daughter), but my father would not allow me in as I was a girl. I pursued the closest thing, which was grief therapy/thanatology. Never in my wildest dreams would I fathom the thought of SPEAKING to funeral directors! And here I was (and happy to say, a great deal of female funeral directors!). After meeting with tech, I donned a lavalier and began my presentation. All I could think of was how proud my dad would be.
I spoke about the concept of aftercare, stating my view that aftercare is part of a funeral home’s responsibility. Very few participants had an aftercare program and were anxious to hear about my model. I explained that as a death doula, I know the person before they die. Then the funeral directors meet with the family to make arrangements and who are usually numb and report that they don’t remember anything about the wake and the funeral. Then I see them again after the funeral for grief work. I believe the funeral home is the bridge between the two and offered a tailored, user- friendly aftercare program “From Compassion to Commitment” where the funeral homes offer large group informational grief groups, small group therapy groups, individual grief counseling, grief book clubs, etc.
Socially, I networked with many embalmers and funeral directors from all over the world. I had meaningful, philosophical conversations about life, death, and grief.
Yes, the week was a whirlwind. A wild ride. Full of miles, meetings, moments and…memories. In hindsight, the highlight was visualizing my father watching me present at the premier conference of the funeral industry. With an exhale, I am ready to rest.
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Access all of Dr. Dias’ columns at: GRIEFSPEAK
Dr. Mari Nardolillo Dias is a nationally board-certified counselor, holds a Fellow in Thanatology and is certified in both grief counseling and complicated grief. Dias is a Certified death doula, and has a Certificate in Psychological Autopsy.
Dias is an Adjunct Professor at CCRI, and Professor of Clinical Mental Health, Master of Science program, at Johnson & Wales University. Dias is the director of GracePointe Grief Center, in North Kingstown, RI. For more information, go to: http://gracepointegrief.com/
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